


Sometimes quiet is violent

by bunnybinnie



Series: Late Night Thoughts [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Intrusive Thoughts, Jisung is a cutie, Lee Felix is Whipped (Stray Kids), Light Angst, M/M, Nyctophobia, Violent Thoughts, Willis-Ekbom Disease, mention of choking, mention of fear of harming kids, mention of stabbing, words repetition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:48:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26800912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybinnie/pseuds/bunnybinnie
Summary: Sometimes, Felix has thoughts he doesn't want. It's hard not to listen, but Jisung will always be there to hold his hand until he feels okay again.[title taken from Twenty One Pilots' 'Car radio']Tagged GDV just to be sure.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Series: Late Night Thoughts [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889530
Kudos: 49





	Sometimes quiet is violent

“Goodnight baby,” Jisung whispered before kissing Felix one last time.

“Night night.”

It didn’t take long for Jisung to fall asleep, his eyes closing on their own the second his head had hit the pillow. Felix stared at him, a soft smile growing on his tired face. Quiet whistling noises were escaping Jisung’s nostrils at each breath.

“Cute,” Felix thought.

One of his hands was curled up in a small fist, resting against his round cheek. His lips were in a pout, sometimes sucking on nothing as if he was unconsciously searching for a pacifier. His bang had fallen on his face, covering his left eye and part of his nose. The scene was so soft and endearing, Felix almost aw-ed out loud.

With his pinkie finger, Felix brushed Jisung’s hand, unable not to smile in front of his asleep boyfriend. How was it possible for someone so cute to even exist, let alone fall for someone like him? Felix started blinking repeatedly, feeling his eyes getting wet. Damn, was he really about to cry because Jisung was too cute for his heart to handle? That really was something else.

He put his hand on Jisung’s arm, feeling the slow and hardly noticeable movement of his breathing shaking his body in discreet waves. He liked to feel how alive his boyfriend still was, even in Morpheus’ abysses. There always had been something about stillness that was somehow terrifying to him.

Felix knew he shouldn’t be staring at Jisung like this. He knew he was being lowkey creepy; and that it wasn’t good for him. He knew where his mind would go, and it was already creeping him out to even think about it happening… but it felt like his eyes were frozen. He couldn’t look away.

The soft picture started becoming foggier, darker. The cuteness started peeling away, instead showing Jisung under another light that was less soft to Felix’s heart. Felix felt overwhelmed by how much trust Jisung had in him, by simply being sound asleep right next to him. He could do so much, yet his boyfriend didn’t feel in any threatened and had fallen asleep in a second, now even snoring a bit. How could he trust Felix with his life that much?

Felix’s gaze went from Jisung’s face to his neck. There was something in him that was whispering to him, telling him to put both his hands around that neck and press hard, as hard as he could. He could almost feel the throbbing veins under his fingers, struggling to do their job under the killing pressure. But Felix didn’t want to kill Jisung. He wasn’t a murderer…. Or was he? Was thinking about choking Jisung to death the beginning of a premeditated murder?

He was just being ridiculous, now. Felix knew he wouldn’t dare hurt a fly, so how could he even try to do such a thing? But as usual, he still got scared when he felt his hands twitch. Had he really been just about to move them? Were they about to…?

Felix licked his lips and gulped, anxiety growing deep down in his stomach. He felt sick. He had to look away, but all he could was move his gaze up to Jisung’s face again. _Look how vulnerable he is. You could kill him. You could stab him with that huge kitchen knife. You could push him through the window. You could choke him to death and watch life leaving his body through his rolled upwards eyes. Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do i-_

Felix closed his eyes, biting his lips and closing his hands into fists. He squeezed until he knew there would be half-circled marks in his palms. He could still fell the tingling feeling in his arms, begging him to just _act on his damn thoughts._ Was he shaking? _Do it do it do it do it do it do-_

“No,” Felix whispered to himself, almost crying.

One thing leading to another, he found himself walking back and forth through the flat, carefully avoiding the bedroom. It truly felt like leaving was the best thing to do to keep Jisung safe. The only positive thing was that, at least, it also helped with his restless legs.

Felix was walking like a caged lion, shaking his legs here and there to get rid of that stinging feeling. Of course, on top of those weird thoughts, he had to deal with all those pins and needles poking through his skin.

He sat on a kitchen chair, pouring himself a glass of water. His right leg moved on its own, making him spill most of the content on the table.

“Fucking shit,” he muttered. He wasn’t that thirsty anymore.

He still drank his glass, bouncing both of his legs up and down as he did so. He heard Jisung moved in their bed. He was still peacefully sleeping.

_Nice. Make profit of that. Stab him. Do it do it do it do it do it-_

He walked again. Somehow, he ended up in front of the kitchen ware. His eyes stared at the large kitchen knife. _Tempting. Beautiful blade. Imagine how much blood would flow…. He’d die quickly. Would you do it if it was painless for him?_

He didn’t feel his hand move and grab the knife. But now, he was standing in their kitchen, a huge ass knife in hand and eyes locked on the bedroom door. Jisung was loudly snoring. Felix was terrified. He let go of the knife, but his fingers felt foreign to him. His whole body felt foreign. He was moving like a robot. Why couldn’t he feel himself thinking? He was there, but someone else was driving.

He lied down, next to Jisung. He back hugged the boy, tearing up. Jisung moved in his arms, before turning around and looking at him.

“D’you have a n’ghtmare?” Jisung slurred out the words, struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Sort of.”

He kissed Felix, keeping him close to his body.

“Wanna tell me?”

“Can we turn on the light?”

Jisung left a small peck on Felix’s temple.

“Do you want the night table lamp or your night light?”

“The night light, I think. Can we hold hands?”

“Of course, baby, lemme just take the light out.”

He opened the night table’s drawer, taking out Felix’s night light and plugging it in. A faint ray of orangey light filled the room. Felix already felt a bit calmer, he could finally see his surroundings. Jisung kissed him once again, intertwining their fingers together.

“Are you okay now?” He asked, already almost falling back asleep.

“Mhmh,” Felix only said.

He stared at their fingers, then at the semi-lit up ceiling. The atmosphere felt more serene. Slowly, the weird feeling left him, overtaken by sleep.

One day, he’d learn not to fight the unwanted thoughts. He’d understand fighting would only make them stronger. Felix was not this sick side of his mind, whether it was about harming kids or killing the ones he loved. He was not the things he was scared to do.

In the meantime, Jisung was there to hold his hand.


End file.
